After Father's Departure
M. Zakyuddin Munziri
@zakiego
Originally written in Bahasa Indonesia.
Like a pier, this life is about coming and going. Every day, everything happens before our eyes. Welcoming the arrival of a child born into the world; releasing the departure of someone to another world. We never know when it will be our turn to be released.
No matter how strong we prepare to let go, we, as humans, will never be ready for loss.
Back then, as a child, I always imagined what it would be like to stand on my own two feet. With no one to guide me anymore. It was terrifying. Especially for a child who was quite pampered and late to mature compared to other children my age.
Time moves very fast. Today. I have stood before that fear. And moved through it. It was not easy, at all, but that is how life works.
A boy should not be overlooked for long, his life is for struggling, once his boat is rowed to the middle, he must not turn back, no matter how big the waves are. Let the rudder break, let the sail tear, that is more noble than turning the bow home. - Buya Hamka
Those years were the heaviest years. Even consecutively. Like rain that falls for more than a year, never subsiding.
In fact, before father left, I had to make a decision that was not easy. A heavy decision with many sacrifices. But that was the best decision and I am proud of it.
If I had chosen the opposite scenario, I might have regretted it for the rest of my life. How could I not, it would feel so foolish if I didn't finally show my devotion to someone who sacrificed his life to make his child happy. Staying awake all night just to ensure that his child would grow well. Sweating and suffering for a small laugh that erased his fatigue throughout the day.
Children are usually raised with life advice given by their parents. Sometimes I felt jealous. But after seeing more widely, I am grateful to be on this path. No, it's not that father never gave advice, he also taught many things, but not much advice about becoming an adult.
Finally, I had to experience the bitterness and sweetness of life for myself. After father's departure. I have the freedom to choose my way of life, as well as the responsibility for those choices. There is no place to complain. There is no place to blame someone if the choice taken is wrong, it's purely my own mistake.
It's not that I never, in fact I often, made the wrong decisions. Falling and feeling the pain myself. It took some time until finally I could get up. But, from the wounds all over my body is where I learned. That sting and pain is what forms my wisdom these days.
Father's departure at my 'newly' adult age was God's way to more quickly form me into a man. Teaching about responsibility as well as determining where the boat should sail.
If someone scolds you when you come home too late or other mistakes, be grateful, because that's a sign that they are still there. After their departure, you will miss that.
That night, when I heard the news of a friend's father passing away, I rushed to him. Then after meeting, I said, “It's just about time. We are taking turns.” True enough, in just a matter of a few years, he was the one who came to mourn.
If death were a dividing abyss that stretched forever, then I would live the rest of my life in sadness. Fortunately not, God is Most Kind. Death is only a temporary separation. There will be another meeting in that world. Hopefully, God the Most Merciful will grant it. Amen.
